Addie Larue Book Reflection (One Year Later)
** Contains spoilers to the Invisible Life of Addie LaRue
At some point, we need to admit some accountability for why we keep feeling the way we're feeling, for letting things get to us the way they do. Sometimes things shouldn't have to feel so hard to the point you're beginning for clarity. Sometimes it can just be as simple as needing more time to heal, even if it takes an entire year to step out of the haze and realize that.
One of my favorite books is The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab. I think about the concept of accountability for a character, Henry. The story alternates between 1700s France and present-day New York City. Readers find out quickly that the main character, Addie, makes a deal with this thing called the Dark (whom we presume to be the devil), which causes Addie to live immortal and freely. Free life in return for being forgotten by everyone she encounters. She can't say her name out loud or make her mark on the world. Any letter she writes gets erased, and any drawing she tries to create disappears.
Addie continuously lives her life like this, struggling to make connections and reintroducing herself to the same people she would like to have consistent in her life. While she has traveled to many places and learned many things, her life is often lonely and living her life in solitude. Since no one can remember Addie, she cannot get a job. Addie must steal clothes, food, or other items to make ends meet. Addie falls in love with reading to combat loneliness, picking up any book she sees. One day in present-day New York City, she encounters a bookstore and steals a copy of The Odyssey in Greek. On the way out of the store, a boy named Henry Strauss tries to stop her. Nevertheless, Addie continues to move onward. Since no one remembers Addie, she goes back to the bookstore the next day to try to exchange the book.
Unlike any other time in her life, something different happens, and Henry remembers her. Unamused by her action of stealing, Addie is intrigued to learn more about Henry and why he, out of all people, can remember her. Addie is brought back to life by Henry. She can finally start living a "normal" life, like writing, drawing, and even saying her name. Unfortunately, we, readers, learn that Henry also makes a bargain with the Dark.
Henry's bargain is a bit darker as we learn that Henry's life is full of unsuccessful and unsatisfied relationships. Unappreciated by his family and rejected by his girlfriend, Tabitha, Henry attempts suicide. The Dark saves Henry's life, but not out of good fate. He grants Henry's one wish - to be loved by everyone around him, but in return must sacrifice his soul within one year. Out of desperation to numb the pain, Henry takes this deal.
Thinking about Henry's story, I can't help but think, what would have happened had Henry waited out the pain and let the breakup naturally run its course? If he didn't react at that moment. He may have felt less heartbroken as time passed or found a successful new relationship. But, on the other hand, he also could have found himself in more misery. We don't know what would have happened.
When you're drowning, feeling like you're in crisis, the long haul can feel like it's never coming. It's too fragile and challenging to take a step back and consider the larger picture. One year later, in retrospect, can feel like a long time. It is, but it isn't.
It is a long time in the sense you can do something different with your life. At the end of a year, see the gradual changes that led you to where you are now. Henry didn't allow himself to do that. After making a deal with the Dark, Henry continued his life for the year, never knowing if people liked him for who he was anymore. He didn't allow himself to make new, more meaningful connections and find meaning in life.
Henry wanted to be loved by everyone around him but never understood that he lacked love toward himself. He was allowed to receive love but never owned his lack of self-confidence.
While I'm not invalidating Henry's pain, what if Henry had just waited? What if Henry thought about the reaction he wanted to execute but let the feeling pass him? He may have been in a more honest, healthier place in a few months. Maybe he would have gotten to the root of why he reacted the way he did and be able to communicate his insecurities and fears going forward.
It's been one year since I finished the book for the first time, and I definitely plan on rereading it soon. I think about my own life and think about this time last year. So much has changed, and a year can really make a difference for the better and worse times. People change as time goes on. Time gives us an opportunity to reflect on the bad and learn from it. It gives us a chance to keep ourselves more accountable and allows us to be more honest and vulnerable with ourselves. Feelings change if you give yourself a chance to let them happen. Maybe Henry needed more time to find clarity before reacting and making a deal with the Dark.
