We Were Never Meant To Be

A rush of panic and relief filled me as the fire alarm rang. 

I headed out to the lawn of the dorm to see one of our mutual friends spot the two of us coming out of the dorm together. 

"You don't live here." She looks me up and down. I nod silently and look over at Jamie. 

"So does this mean..?" she continues. 

That was the first and last time I slept at his place. 

Nothing came from that night. I knew we both liked each other, but I never gave it a chance out of fear. He never pursued it because of my inability to make a decision. We remained good friends for the next four years, parting ways after graduating.  

Last weekend I attended the wedding of the girl who spotted Jamie and me on that front lawn that night. I stood there with a gin in my hand, looking at him, thinking about the man I should have given a chance to fall in love with. 

Jamie is sweet – characteristically whole-some, and one of the most down-to-earth people I know. He is the kind of charisma who listens when you speak and wants to hear what you say. He is supportive by letting you down truthfully when something might need a different perspective. But he is also the biggest cheerleader when he hears your goals and dreams. 

Five years out of college is a long time—enough time to have real changeable experiences. Being reconnected to people from your past feels weird at first. Try to make up for the last time by choosing the pieces you want to catch the other person up. I didn't feel like that with Jamie. After all this time, we could still talk about non-trivial things. We talked about education, our career path, and the policies surrounding it. He shared his insight into the education world from the last few years. His students don't even realize how lucky they are to have him. He makes me want to be a better educator and a better person. I could have talked to him for hours. 

I ended up meeting his girlfriend at the wedding. Lovely and sweet. Someone good for him. 

I didn't mind when he didn't ask me who I had seen lately. I couldn't have answered his question honestly, anyways. I started to think about who he would envision me with at first. Then, I think about who I would picture myself with—an idea I never really gave real thought to before that moment. 

What do I want? I have never been honest with myself about that question. I've spent years rejecting the idea of getting too attached to someone and caring too much about what my friends think. I think about the activities I like – hiking, reading, baking, writing, and re-watching sitcoms that make me laugh. I think about the values I hold to myself and how those can apply to someone else. 

I also think about the past relationships I have had. I need help finding a common personality or interest between the men I've dated. The common denominator I can think of is me and how I feel within the relationship. So many of them have felt like a rollercoaster. It feels incredibly good until, well, it doesn't. The highs make up for the pain, but once the pain seeps in again, you lose yourself a little bit more. I've learned that most of this is that I don't trust myself. I don't trust the feeling I get when I like someone. I don't trust others when they say their feelings are mutual. 

I started to think about what it would be like to be with Jamie. I fantasize about what it would be like to be with him. I wouldn't have to worry that he would be loyal. He wouldn't have to reassure me that he liked me. I could continue to pursue any new dream I had without fear of worrying about what he thought or if it was good enough. 

I wonder if this would have happened if we had become something. I don't regret not giving Jamie a chance, nor do I wish we were together now. I moved on from the idea of him and me a long time ago. We were never meant to be. But the fantasies I am innocently thinking about are something I admire. A person who takes life not so seriously but serious enough to do good in this world. Someone who cares about what will happen and what people have to say. 

I have found these characteristics in a few of the men I dated, but Jamie's innocence and I never alluded to something, keeping things wholesome. We never dated or admitted we had feelings for each other. Nothing taints the picture I have of him. And while I am not in love with Jamie, I am learning to love the idea of something simple. I am learning to recognize I need to trust how I feel and what my partner says. I'm ready to welcome someone in more freely rather than shutting down. 

I don't know when I will see Jamie the next time, but I'm glad I did. Even after all this time, he challenges me to recognize something in myself and makes me want to be better.

*** I sent this to Jamie before to read. Thank you, Jamie, for giving me permission to use your name.